It comes in cans?

Recently my bros at Metalsucks asked a pertinent question:  Did Stella Artois come in cans in the 80s?

Looks like it to me.  Compare to this ancient photo:



Only a slight variation.  So Slayer drank Stella in cans in the 80s?

Double bubble toil and trouble

Today I declare my independence from breweries.  I have taken a stand against the craft beer movement.  I reject the over-priced, over-hopped, uncreative beers.  I refuse to pay 9 dollars for a six pack.  I refuse to choke down another bitter, sour, generic beer with a showy label.  I refuse to be a part of it any longer.  Today I make my own beer.

That's right, I am now brewing beer.  Malting hulled barley didn't work so well, so I bought some malted barley from a brew store.  It was cheap, about a buck a pound.  So roughly the same price as hulled barley from Whole Foods.  I have a lead on some whole barley from a feed store, but that is a project for another time.

The process is really basic (so easy an ancient Sumerian could do it).  Just cook the sugars out of the malted barley.  You may want to cook the barley a few times to get all the sugars out.  Can you believe they came up with a stupid name for cooking the barley a second time?  They call it sparging.  My wife calls it spooging.  You can tell if there is a lot of sugars left in the barley by eating a few grains.  After cooking it a second time most of the sweetness was gone, and it was enough to get the specific gravity to 1.040 (though I will add some brown sugar for that gingerbread sweetness) but more importantly enough to get a gallon of juice.

Then the barley juice is boiled and here it is like wine making.  With wine it is called must, with beer it is called wort, but it is the same thing.  Boil it and add ingredients to taste.  I added the smallest amount of hops possible and it altered the taste considerably.  I also added the quadrafecta of pumpkin pie spices:  cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, and ginger.  It is going to be a harvest beer in time for pumpkin pies and spiced apple cider.

Cooking beer or wine is a lot like cooking any food dish.  Taste it, taste it, taste it.  I am surprised when I read the home brewing forums how few people taste the stuff before they start fermenting.  They seem like a bunch of engineers measuring the yields and conversions and whatnot and less like artisan chefs cooking something delicious.  Like fine dining, brewing is a little of both.  You know how the flavors will change; the yeast will impart a yeasty flavor and reduce the sweetness.  So just keep that in mind as you add spices like hops and cinnamon.  One caveat:  some spices will become more pronounced as it ferments, especially cloves.  Go easy on the cloves because they will taste stronger in a month.

Pro tip:  fill up your jug with the hot barley juice and put the jug in a bucket of cold water to drop the temperature down quickly.  If you have enough ice, put ice in the water.  I find ice most effective at dropping the temperature once it has already gone below 100.

So I am down on the craft beer movement for a couple of reasons.  One, it is damn expensive.  Let me tell you, grains are cheap.  Historically, grains have always been cheap.  Grains are still cheap today.  I figure that most of the cost of beer is advertising and distribution costs.  In theory a beer that does little to no advertising and is shipping less than 100 miles should be cheaper than the big beer competition shipped a few states away and running Superbowl ads, right?

Two, after a while, these craft beers all start to look the same.  The lineups are identical:  a super hop charged ale, a super hop charged pilsner, a wheat beer, a stout, and an IPA.  Beer genres.  Bah.

And, thanks to Sam Adams, all beer must now have a ridiculous amount of hops.




After this commercial aired we saw Miller start with triple hops beer and the micros come out with a huge assortment of super charged hops beers.

No hops are not the soul of beer.  Barley is the heart and soul of beer.  Hops were not used in beer production 1,000 years ago.  Hops are slightly toxic and therefore a natural preservative, but does not kill the yeast, which is why they were widely adopted.  You know, before refrigeration.  They impart a bitter citrus flavor, which can be nice sometimes but does it always have to taste that way?  I reject the idea that all beer must be a bitter mouthful of super charged hops.  I even question the necessity of a homebrewer using hops at all.  They tell me it will be too sweet.  Really?  Sweeter than Pepsi?  Surely not.

My ingredients cost 8 dollars and will make a bit less than 4 liters of beer.  However, the most expensive ingredient was the yeast, which I will be able to reuse.  So the cost of the beer was really more like 4 dollars for maybe 3 liters.  A bottle of beer has 12 ounces.  A 6 pack is therefore 72 ounces.  72 ounces is a little more than 2 liters.  So I should get maybe 9 bottles of beer for around 4 bucks, or around 40 cents a beer.  That is cheap.

My beer doesn't fall into any genre. This time the malt was a mix of 2 pounds of pale malt, 1/2 pound of crystal malt, and 1/4 pound of rolled oats.  In the future I will probably cook 3 or 4 different types of malt separately and mix them together into the wort one bit at a time so that I can gain total control over the flavor profile.  This batch I am shooting for a flavor profile like gingerbread or cinnamon oatmeal cookies or some other baked autumnal treat.  The key thing is getting the right mix of malted barley and spices.  Stay warm

Malted Barley

Fermentation is a simple formula.  Water + sugar + yeast = alcohol.  This is a process that humans discovered thousands of years ago.  Ancient Sumerians were brewing beer 4,000 years ago.  This isn't exactly rocket science.

Today I seek to recreate, with my knowledge (and occasionally a google search) the process of getting sugar the ancient Mesopotamian way and malting barley.  I know that the barleycorn is allowed to germinate slightly.  The embryo releases amylase which converts the starches within the seed to dextrose.  It is then dried out in order to kill the seedling before it begins to make chlorophyll.  Boom, starches in grains converted to sugar.

First, where to get barley?  The interwebs suggest feed stores, but there are none close bye.  Think cheap.  Gas is expensive.  Well, the local Wholefoods sells hulled barley.  I know some people on the webernets have said you can't malt hulled barley because the process strips the embryo from the seed.  Well, that's not true.



Boom, malted

The concept was clear to me.  Make the seeds think they were in the earth.  Trick them into thinking it was time to sprout.  The first attempt went poorly.  I soaked them in water.  I then strained them and dumped them in a big pot.  I left residue water.  Unfortunately, this was not correct as the seeds drowned and rotted.  The second attempt went better.  Soaking and straining.  I left them in the strainer.  They could dry, and then sprout.  And they did.

Still, it wasn't a total success.  They had feint smell of gym socks, which means they were contaminated.  I believe they, like their predecessors, soaked too long and some of the seeds died.  So I am starting anew, and soaking and straining and properly drying.  Soon they shall sprout and be ready for the next phase.

Winners and Losers

Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you.  In life there are winners and losers.  Today's triumphant gladiator is tomorrow's disgraced pro-wrestler.  Such is life, and such is booze as well.  There are only so many drinkers in America, and while the number might increase gradually with demographics it is a slow churn.  So if there is a big shift somewhere in booze, it probably comes at the expense of somewhere else.

So it should be no surprise with the rise of craft beer, the vodka crazy, the whiskey renaissance, and the wine discovery that there are losers in this equation.

Beer shipments declined 2 percent in 2009 and 1 percent in 2010, the first consecutive-year slide since the mid-1990s. U.S. shipments are expected to be flat or slightly down in 2011. Another down year would mark the first three-year slide since the 1940s.

and not just Miller is suffering

No. 2 Budweiser has posted consecutive years of sales declines and accounted for 8.5 percent of sales for the year ended May 15. Coors Light made up 7.7 percent of sales over the same period. Beer Business Daily, however, reported last month that Coors Light is on the verge of surpassing Budweiser in sold cases this year to date.

So there are winners and there are losers.  In Wisconsin you can even find microbrew scumbag beer.



Yup, it's a micro.  Well sorta not really.  But still.

So if there are less reasons to drink big beer brands, what about the rise of these small batch whiskeys?  I present to you the most heritage of all reconstruction whiskeys:  George Washington rye.

Talk about a patriot and brewer.  Old GW was the nation's biggest distiller at one point.  But 90 bucks for unaged rye whiskey?  I can get Old Overholt (and put it in my old overcoat) for 15 bucks.  And it at least spent time in a barrel.  Besides, it isn't like they have GW's original still or anything.  Weird.  So if people spend their money on this, what booze are they not spending their money on now?

New homebrewing project: beer vs wine

I was reading James Joyce's Ulysses on the train.  Close to Bloom's day and all.  I was at the part where Blazes Boylan, Dignam, and Stephen Dedalus were discussing Hamlet at the pub.  I found I wanted a beer.  I haven't bought a beer in a long time.  I wanted a specific beer with a big barley taste and very little hops.  Is this an English Ale?  I thought I would make it myself.  Mrs Booze knows of a pet store that sells big bags of barley for horsies.  I could malt that and brew it.

I've also been working on a spiced wine recipe.  I've found quite a few recipies call for raisins, aka zombie grapes, and I'm not sure why.  I tried to imaging the flavor a raisin would impart to a wine versus a grape.  I haven't eaten a raisin in at least 15 years.  So I bought a box.  Ahhh, the flavor's coming back to me now.

At first it wasn't so good, but then the flavors lingered in my mouth and I came upon an idea.  Maybe a bad one.  Make a mash of raisins and oats.  Ferment.

The problem is that the starches in the oats need to be broken down into sugars for the yeast to be able to feast.  Since they are cut oats they cannot be malted.  So then what?  Well the raisins would provide the sugar.  The oats would provide flavor, but too much starch might spoil things.

The recipe, for now, is:

2 cups of oats
2 cups raisins
1/2 cup of sugar
a pinch of cinammon
a dash of cloves

It might be necessary to add some malted barley to this recipe so that the starches in the oats don't make a soupy unfermentable mess.  The crazy person in my head says things like "why don't you just spit in the mash.  The salivary amylase in your spit will do the trick."  Hey that sounds like a fairly simple solution.  Ok, time for my meds...

Once Mrs Booze racks her wine I will start the fermentation and we will see how good or bad this recipe is.  This seems like a great thing to drink on a chilly December evening, and I will let you know.

Booze seminar field report

Memorial day weekend saw the annual booze seminar in the Commonwealth of Kentucky.  For this seminar I brought the following bottles:



Hannah and Hogg blended whiskey, Sunny Brook bourbon, Old Fitzgerald, and Ten High Ten bourbon.

I've already introduced you to Sunny Brook, but it is such a good deal for a great old whiskey I couldn't refuse.  And while you might have followed my advice on Old Fitzgerald before, this version had the old fashioned cap seal like Sunny Brook:



The sticker instead of the plastic ring that you find on new bottles suggests this bottle was from the 80s.

Finally, the Ten High Ten came in a tin made in England but cost a mere 15 dollars.

And how did it go?  Well, Hannah and Hogg tasted like I thought it would.  It was a blend of a solid bourbon with "grain neutral spirits" which is essentially vodka.  So it tasted like watered down bourbon.  I didn't know you could do that and still call it whiskey.  I also don't know why anyone would do that.  Anyways you can tell because the whiskey is more straw colored whereas the bourbons are a golden brown color.  The label specifies "The straight whiskies in this product are four years old or more.  Thirty-five percent straight whiskies, sixty-five percent grain neutral spirits".  It was only 9 bucks and is a total curiosity because A) the label says Chicago and B) the brand went under so long ago that google has very little to say about it.

The old Old Fitzgerald tastes pretty much like the new Old Fitzgerald.  So Fortune Brands/Jim Beam Global didn't change the formula too much.  Maybe there are slight differences, but not enough to concern yourself.  A good whiskey, a good price, and sort of a novelty find.

Finally, Ten High Ten.  From what I gather on the webernets this bottle was made by Hiram Walker, but the actual booze is a Barton whiskey.  Hiram Walker has since sold the brand and Barton is now phasing out the bourbon with a cheap blend.  So how did Ten High Ten fare?  Quite well.  It was, if I can recall, a solid bourbon.  Howevah, that bottle went so fast that I had maybe a glass or two.  Maybe it was just that good, or maybe the crew just needed to go to town.  So I think it was a solid buy but this I don't quite remember.

Additionally, our illustrious host brought several batches of homemade dandelion wine and beer.  A few comments.

1. This was my first time drinking dandelion wine, which I first learned about from an episode of Monsters called Mr. Swlabr.  Pretty good stuff.  The wine, that is.  The sparkling dandelion wine (dandelion champagne?) was probably the best batch.  If everyone's lawns weren't so darned well manicured around here I would definitely brew my own batch.  Also, cue the May Song.



Watch Mr. Swlabr! Good times!



Yeah, May is good.

The homemade beer was good, but very unbeerlike.  There were no hops in the brew, which is a big plus for me.  Hops give me a headache.  Also, these were extra sweet, the brewer added sugar when he bottled it so that the yeast would continue to ferment in the bottle, naturally creating carbonation.

Perhaps the best endorsement of the whole weekend:  no hangover.  I know, mixing beer, wine, and whiskey and no hangover is a minor miracle.  The lesson is stay away from tequila.

The end of times

Remember last year when I told you about the world ending?  Well looks like the lamestream media finally got around to reading through my blog archives and now everyone is "buzzing" about the world ending.  Yes, the world is ending this weekend.  And I know the first question that comes to mind is "what should I be drinking?"  Well, fear not brave souls, for Mister Booze is here to comfort you in your time of distress.

Firstly, since there will be no Monday you don't have to slum around on the bottom shelf this weekend.  At first you might be thinking it's single malt Scotch time, but I want to caution you to be judicious, you don't have much time.  In that case I recommend opening your reserves of...

New Glarus Spotted Cow.

Beer?  Yes, because there is no Monday you don't have to worry about all those carbs.  Because God doesn't care how fat you are. 



Allright people, see you on the other side.

Czech beer

I went to the liquor store looking for some Polish beer. I couldn't find any in 6 packs, only 12 packs. I didn't want to gamble on that much beer, so I bought some Czech beer instead. Staropramen. Not bad, but I think it sat on the shelf too long and had started to sour a little. There was some dust on the bottles. I'd say it was a good beer 3 weeks ago.

Mister Booze takes a holiday: Doing it our way

Recently I had a chance to visit a magical fairytale land. Through magical forces (alchemy?) beyond my comprehension, water was transmuted into beer.



These are apparently some of the secret ingredients necessary to cast the spell.



The witch's cauldrons.

If you ever find yourself in the Northlands with nothing to do on a Monday, I highly suggest going to visit the New Glarus brewery. I'm not a big beer drinker these days, but speaking as a former connoisseur their beers are really good. You walk into the gift shop and buy a beer. You can walk all around the premises drinking your beer, watching more being made. The tour is "self-guided". You can basically waltz around the brewery like you own the place. Everyone there is really friendly and happy to answer your questions.

Oh, did I mention you should go on Monday? Go on Monday. Monday is bottling day.



1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 schamiel, schamozel, hasenpfeffer incorporated!



Doin' it our way!

From my childhood 5: Spuds McKenzie

When I was a child, beer was sold by beer drinking party animal dogs. Today I see beer commercials where they sell coolers and foam crap instead of beer. Whaaa? Listen kids, this is how it is done:



Here is another classic Spuds, sorry embedding was disabled.

Anyways, this is so brilliant I wish I thought of it. If I were an ad executive I would do crazy stuff like this to sell beer. I'd have keyboard cat beer commercials. I'd have commercials that laud beer's "beer goggle" abilities. It would be crazy. And it would work because, well, it is only beer. Seriously. First of all, beer should theoretically sell itself. If you have to advertise for it you are probably doing something wrong. Second, all pisswater beers like Bud and Miller are interchangeable anyways. So the only difference between the two is brand advertising, hence the need for party animal dogs or some other crazy crap. Amirite?

Changing seasons

This summer was supposed to be a summer of wine. I imagined I would drink a steady quantity of red wine instead of the whiskey punch that got me through half of winter and spring. That was partially true. I did continue with punch, and I stopped with wine about a month or so ago. The last jug of Paisano skunked into vinegar prematurely and I haven't gotten wine since. I tried for rum, but it didn't work out that way. I thought about going Bourbon, but I didn't want to gamble. My one foray into American whiskey - Kessler - was a bust.

Now normally I don't drink beer. It has about double the calories of whiskey. It has sugar and carbs, and whiskey does not. It will make you fat. After all, they don't call it a whiskey gut do they?

However, it has been a chilly August. It is already getting cold at night. School is starting next week and the shadows are getting longer. Autumn is fast approaching, and one thing I like in chilly months is a good Pilzner and some hot soft pretzels. I have a feeling that if the weather continues to chill, I'll have to truck up to the store for some good pilzner (New Glarus Edel Pilz is a winner in my book) and a box of super pretzels.

In praise of hard liquor

As you may know, I don't drink much beer. I mainly drink hard liquor. Liquor has no sugar and no carbohydrates. There are 64 calories in an ounce of whiskey, and 1.5 ounces in a shot. Therefore a shot's worth of whiskey has 96 calories. A bottle of Blue Moon beer has 171 calories and 13 grams of carbohydrates. They have about the same amount of alcohol (1.5 ounces of whiskey times 40% equals .6 ounces of alcohol, and 12 ounces of beer times 5% is also .6 ounces). Therefore drinking whiskey with no mixer, or a sugar free zero calorie mixer, is less likely to make you fat than a six pack of beer. Fewer calories are fewer calories. Liquor can also be far, far cheaper than beer. How much cheaper? Well, I have come up with a resource to help you down the liquor road. Behold: the Liquor Exchange!

Right now, as the microbrew movement reaches maturity we are in the beginning of a liquor renaissance. Led by premium vodkas (which are not worth the price), gin and Irish whiskey have come back in a big way. Hopefully brandy is hot on their heels. Come join the revolution.

Time out

One of the maddening aspects of being unemployed is having too much time on my hands. Some days I spend too much time dicking around and accomplishing nothing. Those days are a disappointment. Other days, I take care of business. And lately I have been reading. A lot.

Too much time and a lot of reading leads to projects. So one idea I have is to learn how to sew properly. Not just putting a button on, but proper hemming and stitching. That way I can tailor my clothes myself. The value in doing this is buying discounted clothes that are slightly ill fitting and tailoring them to fit well. I could save a lot of money this way. Plus, it would be getting into the family tradition; my grandfather was a tailor.

Another money saving project I am working on is brewing my own booze. Now, making booze isn't hard. Yeast 'n stuff, really. And "we" have brewed before, but that was mostly Dawn. I helped put the yeast in!

Now Dawn is really into making cider. And making cider is fun and all, but it is expensive. Honestly, it is cheaper to buy hard cider because you have to buy cider from a cider mill because it can't have preservatives. Preservatives will kill the yeast. Farm fresh cider is expensive. And then there is the honey for extra sugar, which is also expensive.

Another strike against brewing is that wines take a long time to age, so wine is out of the question. Hard liquor is impossible without a still. Dawn won't let me get a still because it might blow up. Come on, I'll leave it in the storage locker; no worries. But no, no still. That leaves beer, and I don't usually drink beer. I've explained that one before, let me know if you want my anti-beer rundown again.

But now I've come back to brewing. Did you know that 150 years ago it was common for some distillers to make Irish whiskey out of oats instead of barley? It was apparently distinctive and smooth, but the practice was abandoned when oats became too expensive. So now I'm thinking that I'd like to try some, but I doubt anyone will ever make it. So maybe I can just make some really strong beer from oats and see if I like that. I liked that Oatmeal stout, so maybe this will be both tasty and cheap. Oats are cheap.

So there you have it. I have plans, man. I am trying to put my time to good use, and save money in the process. The only problem is motivation. It is too easy to procrastinate when you are unemployed with no prospects.



This is Nate's carboy, which we will return the next time we drive down to Kentucky, or drive someplace where Nate is (maybe we will all meet up in Chicago one day?). In the mean time, I might as well put it to good use.



We have a big pot. I just need the raw materials: oats, yeast and maybe some sugars. Maybe hops, but probably not.

Spiritual quest

I usually try to avoid drinking beer, because it is full of empty calories. It has a lot of carbohydrates, as you know. However, there is something really special about drinking pilsner and eating hot pretzels in the winter. I can't really explain it, but it is immensely satisfying.