Monday, December 24, 2012

End of the year whiskey miscellany

Paddy's Irish whiskey has returned to America.  This time Paddy is available in 750ml bottles.  It is slightly overpriced at my local retailer at 22 dollars (2 dollars more than Jameson).  If you are looking for a last minute Christmas gift to your liver, why not?

Concannon Irish whiskey is available in my area, so probably yours as well.  I have to admit, this is not my favorite Cooley blend.  I still like Michael Collins better.  The bottle has fancy embossing, but for a 750ml bottle it is as tall as a 1 liter bottle and won't fit in my liquor shelf.  Boo!  I notice the petite sirah barrel aging up front with a hint of tart flavor, but the finish turns a little sharp.  Maybe you'll like more than I?

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Keeping warm like a lumberjack

Winter was postponed this year. Lucky for you there is time to get some flannel pants. Christmas is the best time of year to be selfish and self-indulgent. I took advantage of the death of JC Penny (I will miss you baby) to get some nice flannel pants and a flannel shirt for a couple bucks. Warm and comfy. So go ahead, sit around your apartment swaddled in flannel. Fill up a snifter of brandy and slip into some slippers. Forget about the heating bill. Wear them under your jeans or dress pants to stay warm at work or at play as well.

Keeping warm like a boss!

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Johnny Whiskey

Recently I discovered this defunct fellow bottom shelf troller.  Good ole' Johnny Whiskey.  Too bad the project was abandoned, the writing is gold:

start with the smell.  old crow burns your nose and makes you sad that you are going to drink it.  there's really nothing in the way of yummy whiskey smell --  just burny pain.  and a hint of rich mahogany.*

Also if anyone knows of a BYOB Taco Bell let me know.  I want to drink cheap white wine and eat Doritos Tacos Locos.  Am willing to relocate.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

It comes in cans?

Recently my bros at Metalsucks asked a pertinent question:  Did Stella Artois come in cans in the 80s?

Looks like it to me.  Compare to this ancient photo:

Only a slight variation.  So Slayer drank Stella in cans in the 80s?

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Mister Booze drops on the youtubes

That's right, Mr. Booze is now uploading things to the webernets.  My grandkids came over and helped me figure out the upspout on the pipes of the internet.  So check out my youtube videos and let me know what you think.

Me playing guitar.  Thrash forever baby!

Sarahbear! Love U BB!

My grandkids are always messing around and taping stuff with their digital 35mm doohickeys

Stay tuned for much more soon.  Unless I die.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Pumpkin wine review

This is a good time of year for pumpkin wine.  Put on your Type O Negative hoodie and sit on the porch drinking this harvest favorite.  Enjoy the fall colors.

This is actually a really good wine. The flavors are really mellow. The pumpkin is restrained and comes out as hints of earthiness.  This is a little sweet, but I think because the there aren't a lot of bitter or tanning flavors the sweetness is a little more forward.  But again it is a good solid wine in its own right.  Completely different than the abomination of a mango wine I drank last time.  The clue that this was going to be good?  Made from pie pumpkin puree.  So if you see any of this at your local vendor, now is the time to drink.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Mango wine review

I bought a bottle of mango wine.  It was terrible.  My first clue that it was not going to taste good was the label, which stated it was grape wine with natural flavors.  Apparently "natural flavors" means flavors made in a chemical plant in New Jersey.  The whole thing tasted bad and after chocking down a glass I just dumped the rest of the bottle.  Yeah, coming from the guy that buys jugs of Carlo Rossi...

Shame on you!

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Samhain and Steve Vai

Samhain means "summer's end".  Don't let the gringos fool you either, Mr. Booze will not tolerate churlish pronunciations.  "Sow-en", please.  I guess summers in Ireland end about a month later than here, because I celebrated Samhain on September 16th.  It was perfect.  Probably the last day to get in the upper 70s for the year.  Intoxicated out of my mind.  The veil between the worlds was pierced magnificently.

Retrospectively, it was foolish to recycle the previous summer's soundtrack.  It was hot and hectic and stressful.  And that is too bad, because I used to enjoy a lot of guitarist jams during summers.  And it is too bad because Steve Vai has released a new album of guitarist jams.  I guess a month ago.  Should have put it out like 3 months ago so it could be my summer jams.

Now let me explain to you certain things about Mr. Booze, man.

See I am a casual fan of Steve Vai, man.  One of the rare take it or leave it Vai fans.  I love albums like Passion and Warfare and Alien Love Secrets.  But I don't dig the vocal albums.  Like that last one.  You know, the one about religion.  Oh yeah, I guess they all kinda are.  And I don't dig like half of his instrumental albums.  Wasn't the Ultra Zone kinda flat?  And a long time ago?  And wasn't the Fire Garden too self-indulgent and bombastic?

So the clips of the new Vai album are out and to me they are the kind of Vai album I've been waiting for.  You know, guitary but not too self-indulgent.  Which, with Vai, is walkin' a fine line.

See what I mean?

It is too late to be the summer soundtrack of 2012. Which means it will have to wait.  Will it find a place on the godmachine some hot July evening in 2013, intoxicated with the heat and Spanish brandy?  I sure hope so.  Until then, I will do what I always do this time of year and play October Rust.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

If you drink enough cheap red wine

...the world becomes more saturated.

Presented without coherent comment:

wood divorce my wife/10

Can she play the underwater theme from Super Mario Brothers?  Would she like to marry a cheap wino?  I would listen to her play the accordion all day.  Better than listening to my wife nag me to put my dishes away or complaining about how I haven't done laundry enough.  Man we could waltz around downtown and stare off at the blue skies...

le sigh...

Monday, August 20, 2012


Of late I have decided to become a polyglot.  I am currently studying Latin.  Once I get the basics of Latin I plan on studying Irish Gaelic, Italian, and French.  I don't quite understand why I want to do this.  I suspect it is because I am losing touch with reality.  The basics are pretty straightforward and there is plenty of rote memorization.  There are also a lot of good free primers on the internet for these languages, as well as good miscellaneous web resources.

Most days I try to blend into the background.  To be as anonymous as possible.  Perhaps that goes with my current line of work?  But who knows?  I don't.  But somedays I grow tired of self-effacement and remember a time - long ago it seems - when I actually wore a Soviet officer's greatcoat around town.  I really did this and I can't remember why other than it is a cheap warm coat and it was cold outside.

I am also interested in learning about humor.  I used to like comedy but for the last 7 years have avoided most forms of humor especially stand-up.  But my souls cries out for mirth.  Really the best comedy blog on the internet is Every Day Should Be Saturday.  Is there any humor in a similar vein or caliber I should know about?  No stand up comedy.  I want wit, not jokes.

Do you ever have days you wish you could disappear?  What sort of boose do you prefer on those occasions?  Is that why I have a hankering for Canadian whisky?

Would watch Hockey Night in Canada while drinking Molson/10

Maybe I should pretend I'm Canadian? I could put a Canadian flag on my lunch bag.  Some day I worry that I'm losing my mind.  Maybe the next step is to dress like Doc Holliday all the time?  I think this though actually crossed my mind last week.

I don't know about the flavor saver though.  I guess you can wear whatever you want when you walk around shooting people.

Well, maybe I will bring back the tricorn?

Ok maybe not...

Dudes don't wear hats except for douche bags who wear baseball hats.  So Canadian it is then.  BRB buying complete Kids in the Hall on DVD.  Because they don't have Blu-Ray in Canada yet.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Blackstrap Rum

This summer is hot.  You might sit around and bitch about the heat, but remember if you were on vacation in Cozumel and it was this temperature you would probably be saying "isn't this great?".  For me, this is a vacation in my head.  We are all on vacation in the tropics.

The last time Mr. Booze was in the tropics he drank Cruzan rum.  And in my head I am in the tropics, so again I am drinking Cruzan rum.  This week's treat is Cruzan's Blackstrap rum.

Photo courtesy of some jerk on the internet I don't know.  Thanks buddy!

Yeah, so as you can see this stuff is the color of motor oil.  Kinda weird.  I guess they use a different grain of molasses.  It is a really heavy rum, as you might imagine.  It is apparently aged for 2 years, which is a long time in the tropics.  But how does it taste?

I like it.  But I can understand why you might not.  It has a slight bitter flavor in the back, which balances the sweetness up front.  It really coats the palate and has a long finish.  It is a bit spicy, but not like a spiced rum spicyness.  It is smooth but not mellow, if you know what I mean.  And it definitely has character.  Cruzan rum is sentimental for me, but also very economically priced.  A much better taste and lower price than your typical Bacardi or Cap'n Morgan.

My favorite rum is still Ron Abuelo, but I like this for what it is.  And that's the word from the bottom shelf.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Glenn Danzig does youtube poop just right

Sometimes in this crazy mixed up world there are few things on which we rely.  Luckily we can still rely on Danzig to make solid music with tacky videos involving strippers.

Danzig abides!

Also here is to hoping for more albums from Danzig in the vein of the last one.  Though maybe on the next one he will let his grey hair come out and sing some stripped down metal ballads about growing old and bitter.  Sigh...

Monday, June 25, 2012

Wolfhound Whiskey and other Irish ephemera

I recently picked up yet another Irish whiskey blend from the Cooley distillery.  Wolfhound Irish whiskey.  I think it is a good, standard Cooley blend.  Nothing unusual from Cooley, somewhere between Irish Manor, Millar's, and Michael Collins.  I like the price, it was discounted to 16.99.  I also like the labeling.  The wolfhound is the "gentle giant" (as the label declares), and the flavor is large but mellow.  So it works.  It is also classier than a lot of these blends.  Like Feckin' or Danny Boy.  It is also honest.  It states on the label that it comes from the Cooley distillery.  I would like to believe that this is the sort of bottling that will become a classic in time.

But it won't.  Because Cooley was bought by Jim Beam, who is closing the spigot to third party bottlings.  I understand the business decision behind it.  I just wish this label would survive because I thought it was a timeless classic.  Oh well.

Speaking of timeless classic Irish whiskey, Paddy Irish whiskey has lost distributorship in the US.  So if you are like me and you love it, and you find a few bottles collecting dust on a shelf in a store somewhere, snatch them up.  Who knows when Paddy will reach our shores again?

Sunday, June 17, 2012

I am an alchemist

Or:  everything can ferment!

Of my many hobbies one of the most fascinating is brewing.  While I am slowly closing in on a good process for small batch beer brewing, that is not my main area of research.  I am primarily researching the exotic field of non-grape winemaking.  Right now everything is working simply, and aging gently.

I have one gallon of date wine, one gallon of mango wine, and one gallon of banana wine.  Today I will add one gallon of coconut wine to the cellars.  These are all fermented from fresh fruit blended and filtered by me.  The big exception is the coconut water, which I purchased at Costco and thus making it the most expensive wine base at 12 dollars a gallon.

The process of fermenting feels like alchemy, but the next step is the real magic.  The next step is blending.  Mango banana wine.  Banana coconut wine.  You know, like that.  My highest hopes are for the banana wine and various iterations:  a mulled banana wine brewed with cinnamon and vanilla (that's next on deck), and the banana wine blends.  I will share some of my best recipes with you boozehounds because you can't find these sorts of wines at the local liquor store.

Much like blending is the esoteric arts of whiskey distilling, wine blending is an art and one that I hope to master.  After all, who else is making grocery store fruit wine?  And who knows, perhaps this skill will port over into beer making.  Beer blends?  Why not?

Friday, June 8, 2012

Life Cycles

I know you've seen the lulz from the Onion about the Goth and the Metalhead overcoming differences:

"But at the end of the night, when I reached out to take Rick's hand, I noticed that his fingernails were painted black," Richardson added. "I told him how sexy it was, and he told me he got the idea from a Danzig video. That was the first time I realized we had something deep and eternal in common."

Sometimes I wish I could see into the Onion's hivemind.  It is like they know me too well.  Maybe they know you too well too?




Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Classical music oversite

We're all friends here, right?  I mean this little spot on the internet is a safe place, yes?  Can I share something with you?  It is a secret.  You see, recently I discovered a website.  It lets you download mp3s for free.  SHHHH!  Not so loud, they'll hear you.  Yes, I you heard me correctly.  They have thousands of them.  All classical music.  All those dead guys.  Even some living ones.  All for free.  I'm not sure about sharing this, though.  You know who might be watching.  So I tell you what.  Leave a comment if you are interested and I will drop the link in the comments.  After all, nobody reads the comments, even you-know-who.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Remember the 90s: Compact discs and Wesley Willis

You might say Compact Discs were bad.  An inferior disc.  Ooh vinyl, hewn from superior polymers.  Discus large and nebulous, it radiated warmth.  The Compact Disc was cold and sterile.  Vinyl was warm, it spat and hummed beneath the needle.  It was intimate.  The Compact Disc was distant and foreboding.  Too big to fit in your pocket.  Too small to sit on your lap and engage your afternoon.  Delight.  Poor Compact Disc.

But I loved the CD.  100 Compact Discs were smaller and cheaper than 100 vinyl records.  100 CDs fit in a wallet and went with you on vacation.  Your compact disc could play in your car stereo and would play 10,000 times and sound the same.  Scratches could be repaired.  Their apotheosis was in those glistening heady days of the 90s.  Back when Master P represented the new school of rap.  Back when pop music new how to charm with a little T & A.

Who will teach the children the old ways?  Will all our moments be lost in time, like tears in the rain?

The CD was the early democratization of music.  An intrepid musician could self release a box of CDs and sell them to the local hole in the wall used CD store.

I know.  I am a bum.  I am stupid for liking Wesley Willis.  I hear the voices.  All the time.

Yet I think this documentary should be submitted to the Library of Congress.  It gives you a window to the past like no other.  It gives you a look at a great artist of the streets working.  Will we ever see someone like Wesley Willis again?  No.  The hipsters won't have it.  They will love him and hate him and make us pay.  They always do.  There is no room for rock and roll next to hipster DJs.

Sometimes I wonder if we are suffering for our sins?

And the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian seven years.

Wesley Willis had several excellent documentaries made.  Take the time to watch them all.  Call it nostalgia if you want, but those were truly better times than these.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Take to the streets

These are tumultuous times.  The youth are in rebellion.  Taking to the streets.

And she's Greek?  Then I am with the Greeks.  Whatever it is that they want - more Ouzo probably - I support her.

Wait, is she really Greek?  Small nose, no arm hair...what gives?

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The ultimate in white knighting?

Thinking of negging a girl?  Think again!

Take that, jerk!


Women are safe once again thanks to the powers of the white knight!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Grandpa Booze decorates

By now you know that old man Booze likes to keep it old school with many things...

Whale Pants

Whale pants

Shoe horns

But I also advocate in theory on behalf of wallpapering your room instead of painting.  Hey we're old and we aren't afraid of the grandkids tearing up the wallpaper.  Just lock those little brats in the basement for the weekend.

Trouble is I can't find any good ones for you young folks looking to wallpaper your den.  Everything today is either pastel or kitsch.  Nothing classy that will go well with your leather chair, your mahogany table, your bookshelf, your smoking jacket, your pool table, and your chess table (merely decorative, you of course do not play).

Not crazy about the carpeting but nobody's perfect

Though the wood paneling is nice if you can swing it, wallpaper makes a nice border if you do have wood paneling.

I think you get the picture. Just please no pastels. How about navy blue, maroon, or hunter green?  Well I am looking for some good ones to share with you folks.  Just like I share good cheap whiskeys for you.  The money you save on whiskey you can spend on wallpaper.  And of course a painting of a ship.

Adriatic of 1871--White Star Line

I once had a dream of a ship painting.  The ship was emerald green and cutting through a storm.  It was called the Chartreuse, though of course chartreuse isn't emerald green.  But that is another story.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Talkin' Jazz

In my more youthful and vigorous days I hated jazz.  It was old and tired.  Filled with a poisonous rage, I thirsted for vengeful music.  Now I myself and old and tired.  I find myself downloading those old Blue Note records from the Cosmic Hearse.  My weary body shudders at the thought of lifting weights whilst listening to Danzig.  Instead I crave a dark corner with a glass of whiskey and some music to fit the mood:  soft, slow, and as fragile as Dennis Dixon's knee.  Let me sit and rest awhile.  What has become of me?

Am I am becoming more than nothing?

The pursuit of knowledge comes with a heavy price.  What new liquor is there to try?  What news songs are there to hear?  What have I to say anymore?  Nothing.

File photo of Mr. Booze feeling defeated

Sunday, April 15, 2012

The first time and the last time

For many years I greatly enjoyed the Autumn Leaves album As Night Conquers Day.  I've finally tired of it, and the thought occurred to me to find other Autumn Leaves albums.  It turns out they had another album called Embraced by the Absolute.  It is a beast.

There is one small problem.  It is out of print.  I can't buy a CD anywhere.  The only place I found it was iTunes.  My old blog searching has been crushed by the powers that be.  So fine.  I bought it on iTunes.  Now understand, the idea of paying for an mp3 is against my religion.  But I committed that sin.  I spent 9.99 and now I have the music.

Herein lies the problem:  3 of the mp3s are broken.  The songs Embraced by the Absolute, Blood, and Serpent are incomplete.  They have the run time listed on iTunes but the end cuts off abruptly.  So that is that.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

The worst part is I don't even have a CD booklet.  What are the lyrics about?  Fuck if I know.  What do these bros look like?  What gear do they use?  Bueller?  Bueller?  Ah fuck it.

I know some people are going to use this as an excuse to jock spotify or something.  But guess what?  I do most of my music listening on my phone or in my car.  Doesn't exactly help me.  And where I spend most of my time is downtown, and downtown I get no signal at all.  So I can't stream spotify to my phone.  Thanks AT&T!  So don't even make any comments here swinging from spotify's nuts.  I agree that it is the future of music distribution.  But the future ain't now.

Ok enough whining.  This album is a beast and it is a shame that Autumn Leaves aren't recognized more and that this album is out of print.  Maybe it is because of the band name?  Sounds like some sort of lesbian band or something.  They shoulda called themselves Autumn Decay.  Maybe it loses something in translation; they are Euros after all.  No surprise, as I said before European culture is superior to American culture and that includes all genres of music.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The whiskey keeps rolling along

The last I heard from India was in 2010 when Officer's Choice whisky was supposed to emerge in US markets.  So far as I know, nothing came of it.  But now there is news of a second Indian whisky brand coming to America.  United Breweries is said to be launching two brands in America:  Royal Challenge whisky and Antiquity whisky.  So far no sight of them, but this time it looks more promising.  If I catch a bottle I will have a full report.

And in other whiskey news...

Previously I extolled the virtues of whiskey as medicine, but now you don't have to take my word for it.  The oldest woman in Scotland, Janet Roberts, was 110.  And?  And she was the matriarch of one of the largest whisky families in the world.  The graddaughter of the founder of Glenfiddich.

And?  And a 105 year old woman drinks a sip of whisky a day for heath.  And a 102 year old man has a glass of whiskey a day.

Hey, I'm not saying whiskey will make you live longer.  Or that you should even drink whiskey.  But we'll see who lives longer.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Music Review and a contest

So old Mr. Booze won himself a contest a while back, and I received a package with 3 compact discs today.  These albums are so new that I'd never heard of these bands before except Angel Witch.  So first, fill up your tumbler and sit back and enjoy a music review:

Angel Witch - As Above, So Below

I ain't gonna lie, I wasn't the biggest fan of Angel Witch's classic material.  I'm not a big fan of the new stuff either.

Good old T Pain.  Don't be hatin'.

Here's the thing; metal bands have already used the title as above, so below.  So you are already giving listeners an impression of either this:

Or this:

Both pretty solid in my book!  Sorry Angel Witch.

Astra - The Black Chord

I figured that with the name Astra they would be spacey and trippy.  They were, but they have terrible synths.  They sound like they listen to bands from the 70s and play through Orange Amps.  Geddy Lee vocals.  Not my thing.

Osi - Fire and Thunder

I can't figure out if it is O.S.I. or Osi and if the latter if it is pronounced Oh-see or Ahs-ee or what.  I don't like this music.  The guitar riffs sound really modern in a bad way.  I opened up the booklet and was disappointed to see Jim Matheos' name in it.  Really?

Where did the pirate shirts go?  Son I am disappoint!

So this brings me to the second part, which is a contest.  That's right, I give the greatest gift of all; regifting.  You dear reader can win all three of these Compact Discs.  All you have to do is write the best caption to the picture below in the comments.  I will announce the winner when I feel like it.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Rum review: Ron Abuelo

It is hot out.  Mister Booze has been listening to Villa-Lobos and craving some good old rum.  My first choice is Cruzan, which makes a very inexpensive but rather nice aged rum.  But then I saw Ron Abuelo.  Made in Panama, it is aged and blended and what the heck, it is only 14 dollars for the aƱejo.  So for 14.99 plus tax this is what you get:

This is a sweet tasting rum, reminiscent of caramelized sugar and melted butter.  Hints of vanilla as well.  It is a smooth and creamy rum.  None of the harsh notes you find in some cheaper stuff.  I'm not a rum connoisseur but this is the best rum I've had.  For 16 bucks a bargain.

El Ron Abuelo

And yes, being from Panama means Van Halen's Panama goes through your head at some point.

So I think this uncle Ron is fantastic rum.  A great pairing with Villa-Lobos.  Enjoy this second piano concerto from the always warm Havana.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Can someone explain this picture?

It says Pennsylvania Realist Pop Punk.  I am so confused [via being old and out of touch].  I have no idea what realist pop punk might be. 

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I am that jerk

The new Pallbearer album is out. I like it. You can listen to it on the hipster station - NPR - in its entirety. It includes two songs rerecorded from the demo. And I am that asshole. The demo versions were better.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Ups and downs

So Van Halen have a new album out.  David Lee Roth is singing on this album.  And here is Diamond Dave predicting it will happen in 2002:

Dave is certainly "on" here.  But in this 1994 interview Dave is a bit of a downer.

How do you convince your wife to let you take your son on tour with this guy?  Or is he just "crazy uncle Dave" around the Van Halen house?

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Workout playlist

Seems like everyone in the blogosphere is working on their GTL and sharing their workout playlists.  Sounds like a good excuse for me to recycle an old post.  So sit back and enjoy copy and paste:

Step one is queue up some workout jams.  Lately it is 33rpm Metallica, Danzig II and III, and Pantera's Vulgar Display of Power.  That is pretty much as good as it gets.

So yeah.  I like the way Chuck Biscuits plays a strong downbeat.  It is a good rhythm for me to lift weights.  Not too fast or too slow and the downbeat helps me focus on the reps.

If everything's put together and you feel great and you look great then its awesome.


Remember that you are a product that you are trying to sell to people every day of your life every time you interact with someone face to face.  So you need to look your best in order to successfully market yourself to others.  Go to the gym, fattie.  Go tanning, you look sick.  And for God's sake smell good.  Chew some spearmint for fuck's sake you smell like cheap vodka.

GTS. Gym tan spearmint you fucking wino.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Friday delight

Wesley Willis live, I wupped Batman's ass.

I always thought Batman was an asshole.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Undershirt review

Like most Italians I wear athletic style sleeveless wife beater undershirts. And as a man of discriminating taste I want the best. But as a man of prudence I don't want to pay too much. Much like whiskey there are bargains to be had.

The best undershirts used to be Champion A Shirts. They were high quality, inexpensive, and comfortable non-ribbed shirts. They changed the formula and now only make ribbed a shirts. So now we men of taste and sense must find a replacement.

Sadly I could only find two brands of non-ribbed athletic undershirts. Brooks Brothers has a nice brand that runs 20 dollars a shirt. Armani has a brand that runs 10 dollars a shirt. I opted for the Armani, and they are very nice shirts. A little pricey for a wad of cotton but there is no other choice. I tried wearing ribbed undershirts and that didn't work. Too uncomfortable. If you, dear reader, find a cheaper brand of non ribbed wife beaters let me know. Thank you.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


I predict that the newest film adaptation of the Great Gatsby will fail. Just like the others.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Nerd alert

How many strings is that?

And how about you?

Too many, that's how many.

More strings than girlfriends?  How about more necks than girlfriends?

Ok fine, just forget about strings then?

Forget it. Stick with hitting stuff with sticks, that always gets it done.